Luna Grace Jaeckel was born just over 9 weeks ago.  In about 6 days, when she is just over 10 weeks old, I'll be returning to work.. teaching 2nd/3rd grade at Mackintosh Academy.  These are my ramblings.  My heart is very heavy right now.. and so full.  Full of love for my beautiful girl.. full of anxiety about leaving her in someone else's care.. and full of amazement that this life is in my life, forever.  I think I need to shift my focus on the fear and anxiety to gratitude for what I do have.  I am fortunate to only have to go back to work for about 9 weeks, and then I will be able to be with her again for a couple months.   I want to share this beautiful human and soul with other people..let her spread her light throughout the world.. I also want to keep her all to myself.  She is after all only 9 weeks old.. and so tiny and vulnerable.  I am holding on tight.. and I need to let go a little bit. 
People tell you.. you won't get any sleep, you'll be so exhausted, you will love your child more than anything else, the love you experience will be deeper than anything else.  All of this is true..and completely unfathomable until this beautiful child enters your world.  Or your worlds collide.  I try not to think of it as my world that she entered.  She also has a world.. and luckily our paths have merged.  I can't sequester her in my world.. as much as I want to.  She needs to experience her own world.. which involves me letting go.. at least a little. 

mi familia continued...

homesick soup

A little blurry: my beautiful mom, me, Matt, Brady
and Trevor and my grandmother Jane in front



It's been a while since I've posted.. a lot has happened since a year and a half ago when I was cruising around boulder with Christoph on Meghann's sweet cruiser bike. I'm going to go in reverse chronological order.. to post some pictures of my wonderful family. I've had a rough year with injuries and this summer I broke my arm falling off my mountain bike.. well, attempting to stop myself from going over my handlebars. That has thrown many things off.. one being my a trip to Wisconsin in the summer. Missing this had more consequences than I had imagined. The highlight was me having a mini-breakdown about missing my family, not seeing my little brothers grow up, not having any vacation left.. with tears.. and my amazing fiance Matt listening to me.
We went to WI in October.. it was a great trip.. with beautiful fall WI weather..and I was rejuvenated with the energy and love that you can only get from your family. i love you all very much.
My dad Tom, Colin, Aaron, Brady, my wonderful stepmom Michelle, Trevor, me, my fiance Matt

summer summer summertime

Cruising 4th St... boulder.. a bit worried that christoph is going to fall off his bike while maneuvering to catch the best photo possible. happy hour sushi.. hapa.. 10 pm.. thursday night.

dolores, co.. memorial day weekend.. Shawn and Michaela's wedding.. friends of Matt..

Indian Peaks dirtfest.. off-road tri.. eldo.. shannon.. and me.. 60degree water.. some fierce singletrack.. and an unrelenting hilly little run..

Telluride, co.. bluegrass.. sun.. beer.. lots of heat..

currently on my mind..

sunshine, adrenaline & true love...
lucinda williams, lyons, CO, pbr, the wonderful friends in my life, my greatest supporter and lover..

A map of the world that does not include Utopia is not worth even glancing at, for it leaves out the one country at which Humanity is always landing. OSCAR WILDE


I should be freaking out right now. I don't have a job.. I'm not really trying very hard to get one, I don't have a place to live, all of my posessions are scattered, I'm out of shape, out of money and losing motivation. I can only laugh at re-reading that sentence. In my former life, I would be freaking out right now. And I'm sure that subconsciously, I am a bit. Right now I am having courage. Courage that I will make this happen and everything will work out and sort out. Sending all my energy to this wonderful, positive place. Not wasting my energy on looking at the negative side or giving in to what our society, what my dad, thinks is the way things should be. He will never change.. his support for me will never be what I desire. Fortunately, I have some amazing people in my life who support me unconditionally. Here are two.. Aaron and Colin.. my 12 and 9 year old, amazing little brothers.



I recently road tripped back from WI to CO with my favorite road trip buddy, Mr. Christoph Heinzer. Our greatest discovery was S. Dakota. The black hills, badlands, and crazy horse were the highlights.. with the corn palace and other random stops up there, too..





peace..

another reality...

I was wandering through an artists' studio of a metal worker/blacksmith in Boulder in my first week back in the states. I had filled my week with trying to catch up. With people, with details like money and taxes.. and I had many emotions.. happiness, peace, love.. and some angst, overwhelmingness, and definitely over-stimulation. My haven of being a continent away from anyone or anything that knew me was interrupted. And I was trying to do too much in one day.. already. I met this artist.. a beautiful, amazing woman.. with a great spirit and energy. I followed her around the shop.. taking in all her beauty.. and I saw this quote on the wall..

Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself.

Perfect. I smiled. A lot of my trip and the past year of my life is embodied in those words. The questions, "have you found yourself yet? are you figuring life out?," are dreaded ones. My answer is no. One of my fears upon returning to the western world is that I will lose the peace and solitude I found within myself. I didn't have to deal with the stresses that I left behind. I had my own schedule with no one to answer to. Sounds pretty great, huh. I also didn't have human touch.. hugs and affection.. the love of my friends and family all around me.. my mountain bike, cross country skis or iBook. I could go on and list all that I had and didn't have. I don't want to. I do want to hold onto the peace I made with myself and with my life.. the spirit inside of me that was impacted by my travels and the people I met.. and the patience and openness that I cultivated. And the pace of life that I created for myself.. and was generally all around me. I want to do all of this without buying a cabin in the woods and retreating there. I know that I can and will.

I will post more about the second half of my trip.. I definitely abandoned the task while traveling. Here are some pics of what I've been enjoying the last two days, a lot of it spent on my mom's porch in Chippewa Falls, WI.

The cats.. Asher.. is seriously the fattest cat I have ever experienced.. and Lucy the queen. I sound like one of those cat people.


My crocs!

the return to drip, STRONG coffee..


good beer.. this is a very hoppy, delicious ipa.. Bell's Brewery.. Comstock, MI

my bed!


a self-love photo.. i'm really excited that my face looks normal again.. i went through a terrible phase of my face breaking out/allergic reaction/something nasty.. and now it's better!


if you can guess what this photo is.. i'll buy you a beer.. to be redeemed at The Snout, chippewa falls, WI.. or your choice


celebrating earth day with b&j.


i obviously have too much time on my hands you might be thinking.. definitely not the case.. All these material things.. good wine, strawberries, salad, single track, springtime in WI.. are pretty great. Not as great as all the wonderful people I now have in my life.. within an arm's reach or a phone call or short plane ride. For these people I am truly grateful.. and in heaven with.

peace,
h

cape town, sa

All of these photos are out of order.. will sort out later...
this is a booze cruize on the upper zambezi in zambia.. above the falls.. some hippos..




Durban.. and the beach.. the Indian Ocean!


Port St. John's, S. Africa.. my friend Liselotte eating a fish that we bought and grilled..
delicious..


my friend Nollie...his back.. attitudes you find in psj


Community resource center, psj.. bolly teaching kids how to drum


wild coast, psj


2nd beach.. a few hundred meters from where i stayed



me and Lisalotte.. covered in mud bath


mussels.. mmmm


i've made it to capetown.. and i am finally going to post some pictures. since the last time i wrote.. i left Mbeya Tanzania via train to Zambia.. an awesome ride.. about 24 hours long.. and arrived to have to deal with some visa issues. Namely, that it costs 100usd to enter this country which i refused to pay the immigration officials on the train as i thought they were ripping me off and pocketing half of this. plus, i only had 80usd in my pocket. they told me i could deal with it at the office when we got off the train. these people gave me a 2 day pass to deal with it in lusaka at their immigration office (after much pleading by me).. so i squished into a minibus with some new found friends.. actually an american on the train.. and made it to lusaka. big city shock. i stayed for a couple days and then caught a lift to livingstone, near victoria falls. spent a few days here.. explored the falls.. amazing.. went white water rafting.. also very cool.. and relaxed. Next, I left by overnight train to Bulawayo, Zimbabwe.. which wasn't as nice of a ride as the first.. but shared a sleeper with 3 local women which was very cool. the topic of conversation was the money issue with Zimbabwe. Once arriving in Zim and hauling my ass to a hostel a couple miles from the train station.. b/c i didn't have enough money for a cab.. i realized i didn't have enough money for this country. I had 50usd. Which anywhere else could go quite far.. plus, i could just go to an atm.. my staple in surviving. however, at an atm.. i would get 250 zim dollars for 1 usd.. whereas on the black market, i would get 4000 zim for 1 usd. hmm.. too bad you need to have actual usd in order to utilize the black market. so i stayed one night.. 2 days.. and caught the cheap overnight bus (b/c i didn't have enough money) to jo'burg. something like 14 hours later we arrived. and given that it was the cheap bus.. there was no a/c.. and we were jam packed into this bus.. 3 seats on one side.. guess where i was (of course i didn't arrive early to the bus station as they advise).. yep, the middle. and we went through the hottest area i've been so far.. near the border.. and had to get on and off the bus several times for the border crossing. but i appreciated being in the same boat as the average african traveler. In jo'burg.. I immediately caught a bus to Durban.. a delux bus.. and something like 8 hours later arrived at the sea.. with a huge city next to it.. and people filling me with fear of walking alone, it's a dangerous place, etc. I was quite anxious to leave.. but I have a hard time leaving somewhere immediately upon arrival.. not my style.. i need to relax. so stayed a couple days.. took in the surf culture.. good indian food.. and the best thunderstorm i have ever seen.. it was amazing.. and a bit scary. Next I caught a bus to Port St. John's.. or as close as the bus would get me.. and there I stayed.

i've had a great journey so far. my lack of planning has given me both exciting and not so exciting adventures. mainly good, though. i am trying to remain present in each moment and be open to whatever possibility presents itself... and go with the flow. i have met some great people.. seen some amazing things.. like victoria falls.. and i have fallen in love with south africa. especially the wild coast.. transkei.. and the wine region. i spent a week and a half in port st. john's.. east of cape town.. and i didn't really want to leave. the quality of life there.. the amount of love i encountered in the people i met.. is great. i have also gone through a few weeks of being quite homesick.. especially when i am alone.. which is often. i am starting to feel better.. excited about the next leg of my journey.. which will begin on thursday.. driving with friends from Boulder, Kyle and Mariah.. through namibia and botswana. and i'll be back to the states April 12. I appreciate the pace of village and African life.. although i have been slowly entering the western world since arriving in S. Africa.. which was a stark contrast from Zimbabwe.. which i only passed through.. and also Tanzania. Now in cape town.. I am hit head on with western life. and i want to go crawling back. although there are the perks. i was able to make real coffee quite easily this morning.. and have granola with soy milk.. and sit at this computer with high speed internet. Even though this is 1st world life.. there is still 3rd world in s. africa.
i don't want to write too much b/c i don't have a lot of time.. so here are some pics.

flashback

it's a rainy sunday in mbeya, tanzania.. january 28. my original flight is leaving from nairobi tomorrow night. i have extended my trip and will now be flying home april 11 from jo'burg, south africa. i have many mixed feelings on this decision; but, it ultimately came down to my intuition.. wanting to experience more of Africa, travel on my own and face those challenges and rewards. so here i am.. looking forward to what lies ahead.. and looking back and missing many things. i had an awesome send off sushi dinner with close friends before I left Boulder in November. I have looked at these pictures many times to comfort myself and feel the love of my friends. Now I'm finally getting around to posting some photos. I plan on leaving Mbeya this Wednesday, on the train to Zambia.. where I will end up in Lusaka.. and then Victoria Falls.. and eventually make my way down to Capetown.. and then travel through Namibia before leaving the continent. I miss many things of western life.. but i don't care so much about the material things.. like food, hot showers. I have come to love ugali and beans and the fresh food market.. local tea.. anything I could need is here, I just need to look for it a bit harder. What I do miss.. people...

my wonderful friend Susan.. i miss your wisdom and your peace.. and of course your wonderful hugs..



ok, i guess i miss sushi too, and check out this awesome fried icecream. although i know there will be many opportunities to eat as much of it as i want when i return to the states. meanwhile, i've had liver and stomach in tanzania.. ok, so i didn't actually eat the stomach.. but it was in my mouth.. and i chewed.. and that was enough for me. the liver wasn't that bad, actually.


miss sarah shelquist.. i miss your smile and your awesome energy. hood.. i miss playing ultimate with you.. your amazing plays, and your frat boy persona.. and pete.. well...


let's just say.. i miss laughing with you.. and at you.. here is pete trying to recover after his sake fell into his beer before we actually did the sake bomb.. i think this happened about 3 times.


jodi, i miss your face.. that smile.. and the welcoming peace I feel whenever I'm around you.


here are some photos of a sake bomb.. in chronological order.. i like susan's face as she watches.. i end up pouring a lot of it on my lap..




and the beer master.. mr. zuckerman. i miss riding my bike all around boulder with you. and sharing beers on the patio.. and your perspective on life.


Ryan, I miss our intellectual conversations.. esp. that one about girls and their desire to marry.. ;) and your red pants.


and this man.. matt.. i miss you an immeasurable amount. your laugh.. your presence in my life.. your pink skirt.. your positive attitude on the ultimate field.. ha.. and your amazing hugs.


there are many more people who i miss.. these are the photos i have.. I miss my family. I miss my mom.. and her fiery attitude, my dad and his advice, my stepmom and her balance, my four wonderful brothers..brady and your voice messages and e-mails, trevor and your growing out of being the baby of the family, aaron- your smart side and your soft side, colin and talking to you on the phone.. especially, "yeah, pretty much." i especially miss the chance to ski faster than you this winter. I miss team blonde.. my ex-coworkers.. the fake blonde, the badger gemini, mr. bock (who won the bet re: your engagement?), the protein queen, shashi and your smile, the efficiency master deb, rob and wes and our lunchtime rides, al and our creekside walks and the scrapbook we've been compiling.
Shannon and our early mornings, Sarah and Ash and listening to your stories at the kitchen table, Maverick and all our heart to hearts and dragging you up skunk canyon, Craig and your anchor support.
I love you all..
heidi